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A Letter To Those Who Have Never Been In A “Real” Relationship

One recent weeknight, about a month ago, my friend and I decided to visit the local pub after some well-deserved DQ sundaes. We ended up running into one of my younger schoolmate’s sisters and her friend. While my former peer played pool with the others, my friend and I engaged in some totally girl-necessary conversation with this peer’s friend. Let’s call her “D”.

If I had to describe “D”. she was nothing short of well-rounded; in more ways than one. She was a buxom brunette with glasses, super cute, and wearing one of those green lace-up shirts that accentuated her curves. She was thin everywhere else and endowed on top, an adjective we could both empathize with and relate on (well at least I could, to the second part!). But all in all, she was well-proportioned and possessed measurements or attributes that I’m sure many would envy (well at least I did, anyway!). In short, “D” was what Cher from the Valley would call a “total Betty” (so a babe).

But, “D” was more than just her appearance. That was the best part. I could only base my first impressions on this one interaction I had the pleasure of sharing with and the honour of meeting “D”. But from what I could tell, “D” was so different from what you’d expect a stereotypical “pretty” girl to be like. She wasn’t rude, arrogant, vapid or superficial – in any way or form. She was 23, educated and successful; pursuing her Masters of Psychology at an elite institution in Canada. She was expecting to start an internship with a professor in June, before she would even begin to complete her degree. “D” was wise beyond her years, humble but self-depreciative in a quirky way where you could totally connect with her idiosyncrasies; because you had the same exact ones! “D” was real. “D” was beautiful, inside and out.

So “D”, my friend and I were talking about men. We were reciprocating wholly in a very serious discussion about how our hookup culture has made it so difficult to establish close bonds in the midst of social media, dating apps and commitment phobes. “D” executed the delivery of her stories with boys effortlessly and how they wanted something completely different from what she did, then just expected it because of her “looks”. She was fed up with our society, and rightfully so. “Are you serious?”, I replied in awe; as she described one of her horror stories. “I mean, it’s so hard!” “D” exclaimed. “I’ve never even been on a date!”

Wait, what?

I stammered in disbelief, trying to gather the words at the whim of my shock. I thought I misunderstood. I must’ve heard wrong. She meant, like, she’s never been on a date with someone from an app — right?

“So you’ve never been on a date, ever? Like you’ve never had a boyfriend?”, I inquired with caution. “Nope!”, “D” spoke with conviction.

Then I said something that I know I shouldn’t have, something that would make me a complete hypocrite for all the times I knew it would upset me; if I received the inadvertent implications of what this person would be saying. It’s actually a compliment, but also suggesting along the lines of what would be considered an unintentional backhanded insult.

“But you’re just so beautiful!”

“You’re beautiful too,” she responded. This girl was right on the ball. She wasn’t offended by my dismay as to why she wasn’t snatched up yet. Like she was such a catch.

So, what’s the issue with this statement? Well, it basically perpetuates this myth that society created for us: that if you’re single at a certain age, or chronically single, or have never been in a relationship before…because you’re the common denominator, because it just never happened for you yet…that you’re unattractive, and that there must be something wrong with you.

But, “D” definitely didn’t exhibit any of those inherently negative qualities that men or humans in general would find “unappealing”. Of course, no one is perfect. But, “D” — along with the rest of us — have disproved this theory time and time again that you don’t need someone to validate your worth, and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that nothing’s wrong with you but you just haven’t found the right person yet — for you.

Look, “D” has never been on a date. And yes, “D” is still fairly young at 23. But I know many close to 30 who have experienced multiple dates, hookups, situations, flings and almost-relationships; but never anything remotely close to love or official relationships where they would call someone their “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. And let me tell you something. There is nothing “wrong” with them.

In fact, there’s nothing wrong with anyone. Yes, we all have flaws. But, you were made perfect just the way you are. As cliche as it sounds, it’s a beautiful truth we need to accept. I see people of all shapes and sizes: curvier women with thinner men, taller women with shorter men, various types of men and women, or men and men, or women and women together. You were grown up being told that if you don’t lose those last 10 pounds, you’ll never find a boyfriend or get married. But that is simply not the case. Yes, do you and focus on yourself, and be healthy, and take care of yourself. Be the best version of yourself. But you don’t have to wait until you lose another size or put some makeup on or get those lip injections, before you meet someone or go out and have fun with friends. Live in the now, and the right person will find you and love you for you…at the right time, at the right place in your life.

Ashley Iaconetti from The Bachelor is 29 like me, and has never had a boyfriend or even had sex. But she looks like a Kardashian and is drop dead gorgeous. She’s Italian and works as a freelance journalist; writing a column for Cosmo and taking care of precious little children. She’s living my dream life. If we ever met, we would probably be best friends. But, is she that woman with 9 cats who’s super lonely? No! And even if she was, what’s it to you?

We envision our single selves to be the epitomes of Drew Barrymore’s character on “Never Been Kissed”. But what we don’t realize is that the people who do treat others like shit and don’t care, the ones who seem to go from one pursuit to another so naturally, the ones who aren’t even that good-looking (but think they are) are in relationships. But these amazing, beautiful, smart, sweet and talented individuals are single and alone; because they keep getting hurt and taken for granted by this twats. Now what kind of reverse psychology, twilight zone universe do we live in?

So, what this all means is that you don’t need to look or act a certain way to find true love. Someone out there thinks you’re the most beautiful creature in the world. Someone out there loves your every freckle, curve, and inch of skin. Someone out there wants to read your beautiful mind and be intellectually, emotionally stimulated by all the words and actions and experiences that make you YOU. I promise.

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