With all the progress we’ve made as a society and as a generation. I think we can all agree that we’ve regressed in one key way. The dating scene
We’ve all been through it. You meet someone new. You like them. She likes you. But then you start playing this game. You know. THE GAME. She takes 10 minutes to text you back. You wait twenty. Then she waits thirty and so on and so forth. Pretty soon the minutes turn to days. Suddenly both of you are caught up in a never ending and quite pointless matrix of seeing who can give the least F***s.
This is the ghost game.
I hypothesize that this may have became popular a few years ago when the term “thirsty” first began to appear on our social network feeds regurlarly. To be “thirsty” is the act of appearing a little too desperate for attention from the opposite sex. Nobody wants to seem desperate and rightfully so.
The problem with this comes when two people actually do like each other and have began to do this thing called “talking”? Or “dating”. The exact term we use nowadays has become quite ambiguous. That’s an entirely different article. For the sake of this essay we’ll just say two people are “dealing with each other”.
These same two people who have more or less agreed that they appeal to each other are still caught up in proving that they aren’t “thirsty”. So, even though in theory the goal is to get to know each other more, we spend more time trying to time things right to make it seem like we don’t like each other, when we really do. Are we starting to see the disconnect here?
Generational pride issues, aside, an even more widespread reason why we play the ghosting game is simply purposes of protection and self preservation. We’re all hurt, we’re scorned and none of us want to be “the one.” We don’t want to be the one who gave too much much of our self only to get burned in the end. We don’t want to be the one to put ourselves out there first. Nobody wants to make the first move even anymore.
It pretty much turns into a contest to see who cares the least. This is what it has come to. How do you even establish something if everything you do is counterintuitive to the ultimate goal? The ultimate goal is to create some kind of connection with someone, no? Whether it’s strictly sexual or some kind of romantic bond, we are all going into these (however) intimate endeavors with a goal to grow closer with the other person. Be it physical or otherwise.
So why are we so bent on doing everything that proves contrary?
These games that we have become automatically programmed to play and a lot of us have mastered have ultimately set most of us back in the romance department in one way or another. They’ve stunted us mentally and emotionally.
Many of us find now find ourselves at a point in our lives where we may even be looking to actually settle down and do things right. Unfortunately some of those people are still stuck in the ways of the dating game (emphasis on Game) that we called our twenties.
If you’ve reached that point, is it too late to reverse the damage? I don’t think so. Even if you’re not at that point where you’re ready to settle down, I don’t think that being real with yourself and your partner could hurt. As a matter of fact it’s pretty much as easy as that.
First things first, let go of that fear. Love or great sex, like anything else worth having comes at the price of taking a risk. You’ve been hurt before and you’ll be hurt again. It’s fact of life. But if you want to win again or even win for the first time, you have got to put yourself out there in some form or fashion. There’s no going around it. Unless the other person just leads the way completely, which usually is a red flag. Some sort of nervousness or tension from both parties is normal given current conditions. But it makes it easier when one person is willing to at least take the first step.
Being real with both yourself as well as the person you are dealing with is the other key to getting over the shade hump. If you’re into the person, express it. Or at least show interest. If the other person feels the same you should expect reciprocation. If not, it’s best not to assume they are just playing “the game.” Take their actions at face value and move on.
If you keep it absolutely real and honest there is no reason not to expect the same. Don’t get caught in the shade.
I’m going to leave you with a famous quote from one of the greatest philosophers of the 20th and 21st centuries; Shawn Carter Bka Jay-Z.
“We’re too old to be frontin’ what we’re feeling/ Denzelling acting like you ain’t appealing when you are”.
It’s self explanatory and it is pertinent whether you are 19 or whether you’re 40. Be real with what you are feeling and expect nothing short of reciprocation when navigating these troubled dating waters. Reconditioning the playing field and reinventing the rules of engagement starts with you.