So! You want your significant other to get the flip out of your life but you don’t want to be the bad guy and shatter their heart into ten million unsalvageable pieces? I totally get you, dude. You want to date other people, but you don’t want to be that person that says “I think we should date other people.” You want to let them down easy and tell them that the issue here is you, not them, even though they’re short and weird and talk too loudly and are too clingy.
It’s okay! You don’t have to dump them. You just have to get them to dump you, and have them think it’s their idea.
Lookit, it’s genius. They’ll think that they’re choosing to break things off with you, you’ll get to be the sad victim even though you quietly orchestrated this whole thing, and your hands will be clean from the beginning to the end, other than that part where you completely ruined the relationship. But that’s okay, because your partner won’t know. It’s the perfect crime.
Step One: Act as if you’re already broken up, so that they actually break up with you
Chances are you’re already doing this, but take it further. Don’t treat them as if you have any romantic interest in them. Don’t express interest in their lives. Don’t make plans for the near future. But don’t ghost. This is crucial. If you ghost, they will blame you as the person who left the relationship first, and we both know you don’t have the gonads to actually do that. So ghost without ghosting, and when they text you “Um, did you die? Hello?” reply that life got hectic, or you got wrapped up in other drama, or your dog needed a root canal, or you wanted to text them but simply couldn’t find the thirty seconds in your life to do so, even though you’ve been playing fucking video games with your stupid friends for hours at a time every weekend.
Your significant other will think that they’re leaving you because of this, but let’s be real: you left them months ago.
Step Two: Get your needs met elsewhere
Indicate to your partner that they serve no purpose in your life anymore but don’t explicitly tell them that. Keep them on the hook, but don’t reach out to them in any way, because you already have all you need elsewhere. For example, need a confidant? Use a friend. Need someone pretty to smile at you? Hang out with a statuesque blonde all the time while you ignore your girlfriend. Want someone to have sex with? Hey, what’s your left hand for? But of course, when you need someone to pick you up after getting your wisdom teeth taken out or you need a ride from the airport or you need words of encouragement in your life when everyone else is fucking sick of you, suddenly you will remember you have a girlfriend named Ellie. Oh, young love!
Step Three: Have sex, but it’s not really sex-sex
You need to keep having sex with your partner, because otherwise, why else are you hanging around waiting for them to dump you? Just realize that this sex needs to be always the same and always just as distant as the relationship. Doggy style works best for this because you are still having sex but you’re not looking at them or communicating with them in any way. Doggy style in your bedroom, in their bedroom, in a kitchen, in a classroom, on a roof, doggy style for the ages. This also gives your partner the exit strategy to fake it without you thinking about it too hard even though only 20% of people with vaginas only ever reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. It also lets your partner roll her eyes when you spank her with the fervor of someone with anemia slapping the bongos.
Step four: Indicate that times that were precious to them in your relationship meant absolutely nothing to you
Now this one is harsh, but if you’re doing your job right and your name rhymes with Ryan, you should be able to do it just fine.
When your partner reminds you of that time you got fondue together in Pasadena and went to a flower garden, or when you had that grad night experience in Disneyland, or when you made love for the first time, shrug and say “I don’t really remember that.” It’ll make your partner feel like shit and make them contemplate leaving you while you know that you were never 100% present in the first place.
Step five: Make it nearly impossible for them to move on
I know this sounds counterintuitive; you want your partner to leave you, so why would you want them to think they have a chance to stick around someday? The answer is simple: because you’re a lonely motherfucker who can’t be bothered to cut the fucking cord with someone who would do anything for you but you don’t give two shits about. I’m assuming.
So con your partner into thinking they ever stand a chance of being good enough for your wretched standards. Tell them you’ll be ready for them someday, but not right now. Leave them with no choice but to leave you, but feeling that someday they might have the choice to get back with you, even thought you know that you have no interest in having them in your life ever again. Break their heart but make some bullshit promise about how you’ll try to change, maybe someday perhaps eventually, knowing fully well you won’t.
Inception that gullible idiot into breaking up with you so that you don’t have to break up with them. After all, when have you ever done anything yourself?