“I fell in love with the way you touched me without using your hands.” — hplyrikz.com
We are fascinating creatures. It’s not because of the numerous talents and resources we possess, it’s because we are fuelled by something inside of us that’s like a nuke; unpredictable and explosive — we call them emotions.
And these emotions are powerful by design because they are tricky; you don’t always know who’s incharge (you or the emotion). When you are incharge of your emotions, you get to choose the reaction to a stimuli and there by you have control over the events that follow to some extent. But when emotions have control over you, you are now driven to react more than what a situation demands and consequently, things get blown out of proportion. If you think that’s bad, then wait! That’s not even the worst part. These emotions, they cling onto us even after we are done reacting to a situation and when encouraged, they get back into our lives.
Love is one such emotion. It grows when nurtured (like the warm rays of the sun beckoning all lifeforms to a new day). And it fades away when given too much attention (like the scorching beams of light and heat from the same sun that one would find in a dessert).
Let’s look at our lives. We are all so cool in the beginning, where the newly formed bond/relationship like a brand new car. We cherish it, we explore it bit by bit, we care for it and we even try to add more to it (new accessories, personalization, etc.) As days, months and years pass by, we get too comfortable for our own good (or uncomfortable if it has too many complaints). We get used to it, and we start losing interest in it. And gradually, we look for the next opportunity to get a new one.
It’s ok to do that to a machine, after all it’s just a hunk of metal, plastic and fibre. But then here’s the funny part — we do the same with people. We tend to lose it from the moment the magic and mystery in a relationship fades away (the moment you get to see who the man behind the mirror is). And we start looking for love elsewhere. The tragedy of our kind is that deep down we know that the love we are looking for all our lives, it’s right in front of us (look at that person who was with you through thick and thin, stood up for you even when you took them for granted, counted on you and loved you back).
Why do we keep doing this? Why do we put ourselves through this endless cycle of pain?
Well, I can think of many reasons of which these three matter the most —
1. we stop being creative with our relationships,
2. we stick to the conclusions we came to about them,
3. we no longer love ourselves/feel loved.
We put ourselves in a box and try to limit the boundaries of boundless mind within that box. Like the six blind men (from a folk tale in my parts) where each man felt different individual parts of an elephant and declared it to be a pillar, a hose, a fan, a rope and so on, but none of them got it right because no one was patient enough to explore all of it (the entire elephant). We do the same with people, we stop even before we get to know them fully because we think we (allegedly) understand them. But this half hearted effort is useless. And so, as time goes, we fight over petty stuff (some of us do that a lot) and instead of focusing on the solution, we start focusing only on the faults. And one day, we just break apart and drift away and all those sacred vows, promises and memories we made with each other blown to dust. Isn’t this just plain sad?
Yeah! It’s tragic.
But we are not without hope. We can prevent this cycle if we pay a little more attention to the needs and wants of each other and change our perspectives (even if by only a little).
Let’s say love is like graphite buried under the earth. Graphite has the ability to conduct electricity (similarly love, it invokes an exchange of feelings, gestures, experiences and body fluids). Graphite stays graphite until more pressure starts to build up (in our case, love stays love until we starting putting all our eggs into one basket, and on top of that call it permanent/forever/eternity/blah-blah-blah. And now, the dance of expectations and demands will start pouring down).
When you love someone too much, the love you bear for them changes overtime and becomes into something that is no longer the same. It becomes denser and denser like carbon under pressure. You start to become too obsessive and possessive. You invade personal spaces and safety clearances of each other and through your expectations, you give give your loved one the greatest ability to hurt you while also arming yourself with the same.
We all know what happens when this pressure exceeds the capacity of you and your partner. Your relationship starts to crumble and the love you hold for one another slowly turns into something that’s no longer love (graphite/carbon). It becomes something more sinister. It changes into a hard rigid and cold hate. I personally like to associate hatred with diamonds because both are pretty intense. They can even be pretty with the right amount of polishing, but remember well, they can no longer conduct electricity. They become too rigid and cold to everything around them including themselves (like being dead inside). They are nothing more frozen effigies of a once beautiful love. And they hurt everything you put against them.
Now, do you still want diamonds? I sincerely hope not.
And if you are like — “I loved him/her so much, in fact I loved him/her to the point where he/she became the very reason of my existence, like the very air that I breathe. And now, that very same air is choking me, it’s hurting my lungs and I can no longer hold him/her. I want out.” then stop whatever you are doing right now. Relax and just exhale the air trapped inside of your lungs so that you can take in fresh air again (a new breath of love).
Well you see, even the air you breathe has to be moderated and renewed every moment. How do we do it — well just like breathing. You take in everything, absorb what you need and exhale all that you don’t need. If you want to live, you gotta do this every second of your life. And love is also not so different from this model. Love is always there but then love you hold inside of you this moment is not permanent. The good bits get absorbed while the rest are chucked out. And here’s the best part— you can keep renewing it just like the air in your lungs.
To do that, just follow me — Love the other person for everything they are(take it all in), enjoy/learn/cherish all that you can (absorb oxygen) and if you cannot sustainably change the things that you are uncomfortable with, then forgive them for all that is not enjoyable (throw out the carbon-dioxide).
This way, always remember to “breath in” and “breath out” your love. Start anew everyday. Think that today is a day to love your partner in a new way and today is also the day to receive his/her love in a new form. Grow your love with every wave (the changes/turbulence coming your way) that kisses the soft brown shores of your mind (your limits). And trust me, it’s roots will grow stronger and deeper and one day, you both won’t where you begin and where he/she ends.
The easiest way to do that is to be open with your partner. Give them lots of hugs (even more than the number of kisses you plant on them). Talk to them everyday. Encourage their talents. Gift them a proud moment. For all you know, you could be their world, their guidepost and the only thing that’s keeping them alive (or vice versa or both). You’ll never know until you keep your conversations alive. Go and light up some love today. Don’t wait for something extreme to happen. Tell them how much you love them today. And keep loving each other in a million ways, wave after wave.